Your Giant Raised Truck is Awesome

By: Harrison Threlfall

Photo by: Douglas Y 

Your giant raised truck is stupid and nobody thinks that you are cool. In some feeble effort to make yourself appear larger, you have only managed to make yourself seem like the insecure weakling you actually are. A study conducted in The Central Plains region that surveyed 1000 men from the ages of 18-24 found an inverse correlation between the size of a man's truck and the size of a man's penis. There is actual evidence showing that men with giant trucks have smaller penises which back the claim that people who buy ginormous pickup trucks are only doing so to compensate for something. 

Before delving deeper into this subject, I would like to state that I do not dislike everybody who has a giant truck. There are some people who simply have it because they think it looks cool or because they need it for work. I have met a few people who are nice and also have a big ol’ truck. This article is not about those people.

I have had numerous experiences that support my claim that people who have giant trucks generally suck. As a cyclist in Sonoma County I have personally have many experiences with boats being swung into me and other attempts to harm me from guys driving stupid looking trucks. Many of these guys driving stupid looking trucks have also had experiences waking up in the morning or coming back to their truck from the lake to find that there is no air in their dumb looking tires.

These drivers do not respect other people who are using the road and like to brake check people, ride peoples tails, and try to hit cyclists. This is proof that they are only using their giant truck to make themselves feel bigger and more powerful than they really are. In reality they are weak and have probably been neglected during their life which is why they need to compensate for their low self esteem and tiny penises by driving around oversized vehicles and harassing people. 

I wrote a poem about these guys who drive these monstrosities. 


You are a tiny person

You drive a giant truck

As your self-esteem worsens

You realize that you suck


Get a life, not a big ol’ truck

Don’t be surprised

When the air in your tires flies

‘Cause your out of luck


Your knee deep in debt

You work at Carl's Jr.

You smell like sweat

You are literally a loser


Get a life, not a big ol’ truck


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